Nov. 6. 2010 2:33 A.M.
What would I do if I weren’t afraid?
That’s the question I’ve been told to ask myself in times of doubt.
Now is one of those times.
I am caught in a dilemma between two forces pulling in opposite, and mutually exclusive directions. The first being, the accumulation of my past decisions, conscious and not, resulting in the external position I am in, and the attachment I have to this place. It’s what I know, it’s comfortable, even if it’s not joyful or even happy. What I mean by all this is my relationship with Bridget. For the record, when I mentioned earlier that I made it clear to her that our “relationship” was over, what I meant was that I told her I was done with it and that I wanted it to be over. This apparently meant nothing to her. Either she was to drunk to notice, or she, as she has done at least a dozen times, just took it to mean that I wanted to enter in to some new reincarnation of a relationship with her, like a phoenix or something. No! what I meant was I want to end our relationship, period. The problem in this lies in the fact that we are so intertwined that I don’t know if we can find a way out without completely disassembling each of our lives.
That’s where the problem lies.
I like my house, it’s beautiful. But it’s not my house; it’s our house. And the real estate business is our business; meaning it can’t run without both of us working at it, talking about it all the time… over dinner, in the morning, before bed, post occasional coitus, literally whenever, we work together, and it’s pretty much terrible; but it’s how we’ve accomplished what we’ve achieved. And all the money we take in, who’s money is it? It’s not enough for two individuals to have the “quality” of life we have together, but neither one of us, it seems, want to give that up. And what about my son Kai? Even I can’t deny that having an active step-mother who loves him makes it easier to be a half time co-parent. I don’t know how people do it alone. I can hardly imagine it, seeing as i'm barely getting by even with my boy having a mom, step mom, full time grandparents, and a slew of friends helping out.
What I want, and what is grossly missing from the relationship between Bridget and I is joy, and enjoyment, that is if these things can be considered different. I want to dance together with someone, and share smiles with them that come from deep within. I want to dance with them and feel the steps be in sync. I want to sing… wait wait wait… I’ve said all this before. Ok, ok, so all that being blissful together is utterly lacking. We’ve established that. Now what the hell do I do, now that I’ve realized this?
I do not believe that this will change. More precisely, I believe that I have seen Bridget’s true nature and that it is not in harmony with mine.
Last night I was having a tea with my friend business partner and overall financial benefactor, when he told me a story that seems appropraite to mention here…
A toad was sitting on a lily pad on the river near the shore and a scorpion came along and said to the toad, “hey toad, I’d like to cross the river, would you please be so kind as to let me on your back to cross the river?”
To which the toad replied, “Are you mad? If I let you on my back you will sting me and I’ll die.”
The scorpion reasoned with the toad, “Why would I do that? It would not be in my best interest at all to sting you; for if I did, we would both die, you by my stinger and me by drowning. It just wouldn‘t make any sense.”
“That’s true I suppose.” said the toad with hesitation; but as the scorpion‘s reasoning seemed, sound he relented and said, “Well ok then, I’ll take you.” and he allowed the scorpion onto his back, and began across the river. About half way across, the toad suddenly felt a sharp sting in his side, to which he cried out. “Scorpion!!! Why have you stung me? And after all that you have said!!! Now we will both die here in this river!”
To which the scorpion said only, “I know, I know, but I’m a scorpion, it’s in my nature.”
Now when I heard Mo tell me this story I laughed, because the bluntness of the concept presented, and the vision in my head of a talking toad and scorpion drowning in the river seemed quite funny, but Mo with a straight face, and knowing both Bridget and I, said with a hauntingly straight face. “It’s not funny. It’s serious, you have to know a person’s nature before crossing a river with them, and you two should know each other well enough by now. Unfortunately, you both are pretty far down the river at this point.”
(speaking about nov. 4th and into the morning of the 5th)
I woke up last night at 4:36 A.M. with an anxiety attack worse that I have had in a long time. I think I am just now at this moment realizing why. Then Kai woke up crying, with a wet diaper and nearly impossible to console. Strangely, and entirely unrelated, my friend frank had called me six times while I was trying to console my son, and in the morning I had seriously wondered if North America had been hit with a solar flare.
Then in the morning, Bridget took Kai and made fed him breakfast, letting me sleep in, because I was far too exhausted to get up.
Do you see the madness brewing here.
Tonight, after a truly tiring day of parenting, working, cooking, cleaning, and supporting friends by attending their art and music festival, I invited my friend Alex over for a tea, as I have been making an effort to spend more quality time with my friends since I got back from California. Shortly after I put the tea kettle on, Bridget came out with a toxic energy that soured our tea before the water even hit the bags. After multiple failed attempts to engage Bridget, into Alex and my lighthearted and always reenergizing banter, Bridget got dark, really dark; and to here credit, she came right out with it, saying that she that while her and I spend all our time together working so hard as business partners, domestic partners, and parents, she didn’t like hearing me and Alex laugh and joke like we were. Bridget and I rarely, if ever, laugh together, not like Alex and I do; and I absolutely understand her jealousy and anger; and more than anything, it makes me sad that we don’t but…
I just don’t think it’s in our nature together.
And while I have learned to accept this co-existence of no belly laughs, nor heart filling smiles; I can’t deal with the ongoing raging rants like at the French restaurant after I tried desperately to engage her, and relentless and consistent ill timed public outbursts that send strangers as well as the people I care about running from “our” home, never wanting to come back. Basically, ruining any good time that happens, by these violent outbursts of anger over not having her expectations, standards, or requirements met, in one way or another.
I feel like a sane person would have waited until a guest left and then rationally expressed their feelings of longing for more of the things they felt like they were missing out on. Nope. Just crazy bitch, then rationalizations, then finger pointing, and accusations.
I reiterated my desire to end our relationship in a very calm manner once my guest had left. Suddenly, I am a bipolar combination of my mother and father, and will surely lose everyone who cares about me, as well as everything else, and be alone, in misery, forever. Geez! I must really suck! Why the hell would a person want to be with someone like that I wonder? I asked her that question, and then left a message for Mo, thanking him for the allegory, and telling him that tomorrow’s work might have to be postponed, due to some late night domestic problems.
The truth is, I am always beat up and tired after these little talks. And when I don’t have this kind of mental/emotional energy wasting going on, I’m usually pretty happy to do my job, even chipper some might say. It’s waking up with Hitler that makes going to work less than joyful. And that’s it, again and always, it’s JOY, and who your with.
Right now I’m with a scorpion on my back, floating down the river with a stinger in my side, sinking, and the while, worrying about not being able to stay in this really cool house, in Florida, and not being able to continue running a business which could recreate anywhere.
But…
I have said my mantra surely 108 times today.
And…
Previously, I was only going to write today about how this “Optimism” writing project was just about to be out of reach, as I haven’t the energy, nor the time to do it anymore. So, now it’s 4 A.M.; and what would ordinarily have been a case of soul sapped forfeiture, has been transmuted into art. Now if I can only get my ass out of bed for my 9 A.M. meeting with Mo, to go check up on our investment properties, I will have witnessed and enjoyed a true miracle of optimism meeting up with a little extra effort.
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